


It's Not the End of the World

by Clea2011



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Atonement - Freeform, Cenred/Arthur past relationship, Depression, Drowning, Loss of Identity, M/M, Pre-Slash, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clea2011/pseuds/Clea2011
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern au.<br/>Arthur's life was in ruins.  He'd bankrupted the company his father left him, lost everything and couldn't see any future for himself.<br/>It was a cold, grey spring evening, and Arthur was done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not the End of the World

**Author's Note:**

> Please note this deals with a suicide attempt. Do check the tags in case of triggers. 
> 
> This was written for the February postage stamp challenge for HC Bingo on Live Journal. My prompts were: Drowning – Atonement – loss of identity – suicide attempt (Wild card).
> 
> Huge thanks to Celeste9 and Deinonychus_1 for the beta.
> 
> LFB72 has done some beautiful art to go with this story: [Sink or Swim](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6156898). Do go and check it out and leave some love.

 

Arthur sat on one of the many benches dotted around the riverbank, staring out across the expanse of murky water, wondering why anyone had named the place Bluewater when that was clearly wrong. But then, many things were wrong in Arthur’s life. He couldn’t think about them. Instead, he tried to concentrate on the river.

The water clearly wasn’t blue.

Perhaps whoever had named the place Bluewater had been sacked afterwards, spent the rest of their lives trying to rebuild their reputation and career. Arthur could relate to that. After all, within the space of two short years he’d managed to ruin the company his father had carefully built up. All those people who had lost their jobs because of his incompetence. How would they cope now? Maybe they’d find something else, but they’d all be competing against each other, and there just weren’t that many good jobs around. Their lives had been turned upside down, and it was all Arthur’s fault. The guilt gnawed at him, had done for weeks when he’d realised they were heading for bankruptcy.

No, he wasn’t to think of that. Arthur stared at the water again, trying to blot everything out.

It didn’t work. He could remember the day he’d called all the workers together and announced the news. The looks on their faces were still clear in his mind, the anger and accusations still ringing in his ears. Such a failure, such a disappointment. Agravaine, Cenred, both there at his side as always, but he could feel their unspoken condemnation. Later, when there had just been the three of them, he’d heard it too. They blamed him. They’d both worked for his father, and stepped up to support Arthur when the time came. But Arthur was not his father.

His father would never have let the company fail.

It was a cold, grey spring evening, and Arthur was done.

He drew his coat a little closer around himself. Not that it mattered if he was cold. Nothing mattered now. Everything he’d spent his whole life building up to, everything he was ever intended to be, it was all gone. He was nothing now, worse than nothing because he’d not only destroyed his own career, he’d brought everyone down with him. There was nothing more that Arthur felt he could do with his life. He would either continue to fail, or if by some miracle he managed to start again then he would never truly be able to forgive himself for wrecking so many people’s lives.

He gazed out at the water again. Across on the opposite bank was a notice warning against swimming. Arthur didn’t intend on swimming. He’d been swimming for far too long and he was tired of it.

“Hi.”

Arthur hadn’t even heard the footsteps as the man approached, he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts. He looked up, and recognised one of his ex-employees. It was that skinny bloke from accounts, the one who was always arguing with Agravaine and Cenred. Agravaine had fired him two weeks earlier, gross insubordination or something. Arthur recalled Agravaine hinting that his screw-ups were partially responsible for the company’s rapid decline. That, and Arthur’s weak leadership. Well, Agravaine hadn’t actually _said_ anything about Arthur’s weak leadership, but Arthur knew he’d been implying it. Poor Agravaine. Arthur had failed him too. He hadn’t heard from Agravaine since the company collapse, and he could only hope that the small side-line business that the man had been running in his own time would be enough to support him. And this person hadn’t helped at all.

So Arthur glared at the man in front of him, watching the no-doubt mocking smile slide from his features.

“I just wanted to explain,” the man began. “I did try to warn you…”

He’d pestered Arthur, it was true, and there he was once again. He must have followed Arthur, knowing he would be alone. Cenred had always appeared to hustle the man away in the past. But Cenred wasn’t there this time. Cenred had made it clear he’d never be there for Arthur again. That hurt less than Arthur had expected, but then Arthur was nothing now and couldn’t expect anyone to want to be at his side any more. Cenred had already moved on, if rumours were correct.

“Go away,” Arthur growled. “Just go.”

His face must have shown the anger he felt, because the man ducked his head and walked on quickly. Arthur felt a brief surge of guilt for hurting yet another person, but rode it out. After all, this man’s incompetence had helped bring the company down. Arthur didn’t watch him walk away, but when he looked down the path a few minutes later it was deserted. That was good. Arthur didn’t want anyone to see what he was going to do.

The light started to fade, but still Arthur didn’t move. It was far enough from the road that soon enough there would be nobody around at all. He knew what he wanted to do, knew he didn’t want anyone there who might stop him.

Devoid of sunlight, the water looked almost black. The ducks and swans that had been swimming on it earlier were nowhere to be seen, probably hidden away somewhere sheltered for the night. That would be the sensible thing to do. But Arthur wasn’t feeling sensible. He was feeling tired and hurt. It felt as though he’d been that way for a long time. Time for it to stop.

He stood up, feeling the drag of the weights in his pockets pulling at his thick coat. Nothing was going to be left to chance. At least the people he’d hurt with his failure would see he was sorry, see that he did care, whatever they’d shouted at him. It would in some small way make it better, perhaps, make them hate him less. More likely none of them would care.

It would free Morgana as well. It wasn’t good for her to be tied to a useless brother with no income and no prospects. She was doing well, going places in her chosen career. He’d only let her down even more than he had already by hanging around. She had been calling him all day worried, but he’d just let the phone ring and ignored her many messages. Brilliant and beautiful, she would be so much better off without him.

Slowly he walked along the riverside path. There was a small barrier all along the edge, signs warning about the current and the depth. Things that would be just fine for his means. It was just water, it wouldn’t hurt. Be like falling asleep, quick and easy.

There was a bridge across the water, raised high above the deepest part. It was a simple matter to walk onto it, go to the middle and climb over the wall. And then he sat there, looking down into the darkness of the river below him.

Perhaps Cenred would be sorry. Or perhaps he wouldn’t care and would just shrug and walk away like he had a few days previously. Perhaps he wouldn’t even come to the funeral, too busy with his new man.

Arthur didn’t bother trying to hold back the tears. The hurt was still too fresh.

_“It was the company I was dating, not you.”_

Arthur wondered if anyone had ever wanted him just for himself. Probably not. Nobody ever would, not now. He looked up one last time, out over the trees towards the lights of the city that had once seemed so bright and now seemed so harsh. And then he let himself fall.

He hit the water hard, at an awkward angle, and it winded him for a moment. There was little time to think about that, or about the agonising pain in his shoulder. He went down, straight under, and the cold of it was a shock. Ice water, bringing him to his senses immediately. What the hell was he doing? He struggled to the surface, taking a huge gulp of air and instinctively trying to strike out towards the shore.

But he’d hit his left side badly going down and could barely move his arm without pain across his shoulder and ribs. The weight of his clothes were already pulling at him and he went under again far too quickly.

Arthur had never been a particularly strong swimmer, preferring the competitive team sports out on the field instead. He regretted that now, though in his injured state he knew he would probably have found it near impossible to make it back to shore even if he was the best swimmer in the world. Somehow he broke through to the surface again, gasping and spluttering.

The current wasn’t that strong even in the middle of the river, but Arthur was still fighting the pull of that as well. He tried to ignore the pain in his shoulder and swim, but his left arm refused to move at all. And there was the cold too, seeping through his clothing. So very cold. He went under again, and this time he couldn’t summon the strength to fight back to the surface.

Something hit the water, but Arthur barely noticed it. It seemed very far away. He was struggling, trying to free himself from the thick, heavy coat that was dragging him down, but he was too weak from the cold and lack of oxygen. He desperately wanted to take a breath. How could he ever have thought this a good way to go? His lungs ached from the oxygen starvation, and he struggled harder, getting one arm free. But the pain in the other arm was too much and he had to breathe, couldn’t hold it back any longer.

Arthur took one, deep, automatic breath that he just couldn’t help. Immediately he was choking and drowning in the filthy river water, kicking and fighting to reach the surface, feeling his clothing pulling at him, almost like hands grasping at him. He wanted to fight harder, but his strength ebbed away along with his consciousness.

And then there was nothing.

\---

“Arthur?”

Everything was white. Well that was what they said, wasn’t it? Go towards the light. He’d thought he might end up at the other place after what he’d done.

“Arthur, can you hear me?”

Everything hurt. His chest was a mass of pain, and just taking a breath was agony. His throat felt raw. His left arm and side felt horribly bruised, as if he’d run into a wall. That wasn’t right. He shouldn’t feel anything.

“Arthur?”

He didn’t recognise the voice either. Male, but with a twinge of a Welsh accent. Arthur struggled to open his eyes, but closed them again immediately, the lights overhead were too bright.

“He’s coming round,” the man called to someone, then spoke to Arthur again. “Arthur, you’re in hospital. You nearly drowned. Do you remember what happened?”

Arthur remembered the cold and the dark, and the terrible, frightening horror of not being able to breathe, of not being able to get back to the surface.

Nearly drowned… He clung to that. Nearly… He was safe, he was alive. God, being alive _hurt._

“I…” he tried to answer, but his voice was just a hoarse croak, and his throat felt like sandpaper. Everything was far, far too bright. He took a breath, then another, feeling the panic rising all over again. Breathing hurt, and that just added to his distress.

“Arthur,” it was a woman’s voice this time, and there was a shadow over him, someone or something was blocking the bright light. He risked opening his eyes again, and there was a nurse looking down at him, smiling kindly. “I need you to try to breathe more slowly. Can you do that for me? It won’t hurt so much if you breathe regularly. I know you’ve had a shock, but you’re safe now. Can you just try to breathe with me, in… wait… out… in…?”

Arthur tried to match her breathing with his own, tried to stop the fear and confusion he was still feeling. Gradually he felt himself calm down. The nurse adjusted the bed, helping him to sit up. Arthur started to look around the room. “What happened?” he gasped, his voice still raspy. “Hurts.”

“Well it will do,” the nurse told him. “You dislocated your shoulder and you’ve badly bruised your ribs. You’re very lucky to be alive.” She was running her checks on him now, her attention on the monitors rather than his face. He could feel the blood pressure monitor tightening around his good arm. She nodded towards something on the other side of Arthur’s bed. “If Merlin here hadn’t jumped in after you, you wouldn’t be here now.”

Arthur turned his head to look. It was the young man from accounts, the one who’d tried to speak to Arthur earlier. He was sitting at Arthur’s bedside, and half-raised his hand in an uncertain gesture.

“Hi.”

Arthur immediately recognised his voice as the one he’d heard talking to him as he was waking up. He just stared back for a moment, confused. “You saved me?”

“Um… yeah. I did try talking to you earlier.”

Arthur could barely remember what he’d said, but he knew it wasn’t polite. Another thing to be ashamed of, along with everything else. Merlin’s hair was still damp, sticking up in little spikes across his scalp. The effect was very attractive, but Arthur was too exhausted to do more than barely register that fact just then. It looked as if Merlin had towelled it dry in a hurry and then just left it. Perhaps he’d been sitting there at Arthur’s side for however long Arthur had been in there? Arthur wondered why the man would even care.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur told him. And he was. Sorry for everything that he’d done wrong for the company, sorry for the mess he’d made. Sorry for being rude, and for causing this man to risk his life. His life was probably worth a thousand of Arthur’s. But Arthur’s throat hurt, and it took too much effort to say all that. “Sorry,” he repeated simply. “Sorry.”

“Arthur,” Merlin scooted his chair closer, speaking more softly while the nurse carried on with her tests. “Nothing’s worth this. You nearly died.”

Arthur wasn’t sure it was a good thing that he hadn’t. He was going to have to do it again. But not drowning. God no, not drowning. Arthur didn’t think he’d ever go near water again. He could still feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, not being able to get up to the air again… the cold, the desperate, terrifying feeling… He took a gasping breath again, and the nurse laid a gentle hand on his right arm.

“Regular breaths, remember. You’ve been through a horrible experience, but it’s over. You’re safe now.” She unstrapped the monitor. “Your blood pressure was fine, you’re going to be okay. Here,” she lifted a plastic cup from the bedside table and handed it to him. “Sip this. Just small mouthfuls. We had to pump your stomach, you swallowed too much of that river water, so you’ll be sore for a while.”

Sore was an understatement. Arthur took the cup and sipped a few drops of water. Swallowing hurt. The nurse watched him approvingly for a few moments, then nodded and took the cup from him.

“Okay, that’s good. You’re doing well, I’ll just go and…”

Whatever she had been going to do, Arthur never found out. Suddenly there was a commotion at the door, and Morgana burst in, wild-eyed and frantic.

“Arthur!” She almost flew across to his bedside. “Thank god, you’re alive.”

She wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that she was crying.

“I’m okay.”

“No! You’re not! They said you tried to drown yourself. Is that true? Is that true, Arthur?”

There was no point trying to hide it. He nodded, ashamed now.

“Oh my god!” Morgana moved as if she was going to hug him, then must have realised she had no idea what injuries he might have so grabbed the hand that wasn’t strapped up instead, gripping it tightly. “Arthur…” And then he felt even worse because she burst into tears afresh, huge racking sobs shaking her body. He’d never seen her cry like that. When their father had died she had been calm, dignified. Arthur had cried, but he’d never seen Morgana do so. She was always so strong.

“How could you do that, Arthur?” she gasped between sobs. “How could you? Why would you? Don’t you ever try anything like that again. You’re my family, you’re my entire family! Didn’t you even think how that would be for me?”

“Didn’t think you’d care after what I’ve done,” Arthur croaked.

“I don’t care about the stupid company! We had no father growing up because he was so wrapped up in that! I care about _you_!”

“And you didn’t do it.” Merlin had got up and stood to one side when Morgana burst in, but he spoke up now.

“What?”

“Who are you?”

Arthur spoke at the same time as Morgana. Naturally Morgana’s question got the answer, everyone always paid more attention to her.

“Merlin Emrys,” Merlin told her.

“Saved Arthur’s life,” the nurse added admiringly. “Grabbed the lifesaver, flung it in then jumped in himself and managed to rescue Arthur. Very brave.”

“Thank you,” Morgana gasped, staring at Merlin for a moment as if he was the most wondrous thing ever, before she flung her arms around him. “Oh thank you.”

He looked surprised, but then if Morgana had him in the same death-grip she’d been holding Arthur’s hand with he probably couldn’t breathe. Merlin gave a little squeak, confirming Arthur’s suspicions.

“Don’t crush him, Morgs,” Arthur croaked. He reached for his cup and took another sip of the water. It didn’t seem to be helping much yet. But what Merlin had said, that he didn’t do it… Arthur wanted to know what he meant. He had so many questions.

Morgana released Merlin and settled herself down in the chair Merlin had vacated. Arthur clung onto the cup lest she resume her previous grip on him. He hadn’t even thought about Morgana, and what his actions would do to her. Perhaps he hadn’t realised she loved him so much. It wasn’t as if they ever said as much to one another. He looked at her tear-stained face and felt even guiltier.

“Come and sit down here, Merlin,” the nurse urged, moving a chair over to the other side of Arthur. “I’ll have someone fetch you another cup of tea. You need to rest too,” she added, glancing at Morgana reproachfully. But Arthur knew his sister would be totally oblivious to the fact she’d taken Merlin’s seat, far too distressed. The nurse obviously must have realised that as a few minutes after she left the room someone came in with a cup for Morgana as well.

“You said that the business failing wasn’t my fault,” Arthur said, which started a brief coughing fit. Morgana hovered worriedly, and Arthur had a horrible feeling she was going to coddle him for weeks after this.

“Don’t try talking,” Morgana suggested, but Arthur ignored her and looked to Merlin expectantly, wanting to know what he’d meant.

“It wasn’t.” Merlin looked at the two of them over the top of his teacup. “You were ripped off by Agravaine.”

“He’s Arthur’s uncle!” Morgana exclaimed.

“I know.”

“Go on,” Arthur urged Merlin.

“I never liked him,” Morgana muttered to nobody in particular. “Always staring at my boobs. The creep.”

Merlin took a sip of his tea, then continued. “I worked in accounts at Pendragon Inc. Mr Agravaine sacked me. Said it was failed probation but it was because I’d found out what he was doing. They’ve been siphoning off profits to that small regional branch of the business that Agravaine was setting up. It’s not small and it’s not regional, it’s all set to go international. And they’ve embezzled funds and stock from Pendragon Inc. to set it up.”

“The lying bastard,” Morgana swore. “Merlin, have you got any proof of this?”

Merlin smiled at that. Arthur tried not to find it attractive, tried to concentrate on what Merlin was saying. “Yep. By the time they realised I was onto them I’d already copied most of the relevant files to my own account. There’s enough proof. I think you can get most of it back.”

“You really are our saviour,” Morgana breathed. “You’re officially my favourite person ever. In fact, I think I might marry you if that’s okay, Merlin.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. She was probably joking but nothing would surprise him.

Merlin gave a shy smile and looked down at his hands for a moment. When he looked up he glanced quickly at Arthur, a faint blush colouring his pale skin, then away at Morgana. “Bat for the other team, sorry.”

Morgana just shrugged and smiled. The moment Merlin looked away again she raised an eyebrow at Arthur and her smile stretched into a huge, delighted grin. He knew she’d managed to extract the exact information she’d been hoping for from her ‘proposal’, and now would probably never let the matter lie.

Arthur tried to ignore her. Because Merlin wasn’t going to be interested in some suicidal failure like him. He wasn’t going to want to get involved with the man who’d pushed him away, and then been pathetic enough to try to end it all. Even when they’d got the company back on its feet, given people their jobs back, made Agravaine pay…

Suddenly Arthur realised he was starting to look forward, consider a future that he hadn’t thought he was going to have a few hours before. There was no guarantee that they would succeed, but just the tiny bit of hope that Merlin was giving him made such a difference. If he could put things right for the people he’d failed then maybe he could start to make a life for himself again. Perhaps he could honour his father’s memory after all.

And there was something else to consider in what Merlin was telling him, something he hadn’t said yet. Arthur could remember meeting requests coming in from him, remembered seeing him out in the reception area. He remembered Cenred hustling Merlin away. Arthur had believed Cenred, of course he had. Cenred wasn’t just his trusted colleague, he’d been Arthur’s lover too. Arthur had started to think about him becoming more. But now a horrible suspicion was starting to grow in his mind. One he didn’t want to say out loud. He could see that Merlin had tried to warn them. But he could also see that Cenred hadn’t listened, and had made sure Arthur never heard what Merlin had to say. Cenred had known.

Morgana had no such qualms. “You said they,” she pointed out. “Who else was involved?”

Merlin glanced at Arthur worriedly. “Oh… um… well…”

Cenred had been head of accounts. Their relationship hadn’t exactly been a secret. There could only be one reason for Merlin’s reluctance to say who it was.

“Cenred,” Arthur stated.

Merlin just nodded. “Sorry. But he was playing you, distracting you from what was really going on. Agravaine and Cenred set it all up together.”

Morgana looked at Arthur worriedly, but Arthur had been ready for Merlin’s revelation and didn’t react outwardly. It hurt, but he wasn’t going to let that show. Cenred and Agravaine had broken him already, he wasn’t going to let them damage him any further. Pendragons were strong, his father had taught him that.

“Can we take him down too?”

Merlin smiled again. “Oh yes.”

It was a warm, kind smile. Arthur thought he might like that turned on him permanently. And, if they managed to start up Pendragon Inc. again he was going to need a new head of accounts.

“I’ve got even more on him than on Agravaine,” Merlin continued. “He wasn’t as clever as he thought about covering his tracks. And you weren’t making mistakes, Arthur. You were doing just fine.” He looked a little embarrassed again. “Um, I’ve got evidence on that as well. The last few weeks, because I was unemployed, I just spent time on the computer going through all the information I’d taken. Once I’d seen something was wrong I just couldn’t stop digging. And I don’t appreciate being sacked for being honest; I was determined to get them back for that. They forged your signature on documents, attributed bad decisions to you, kept what they were doing hidden. But they didn’t understand that whatever you do on a computer leaves a trail, especially if you don’t make any attempt to hide where you’ve been. I followed it. And there’ll be more if you get a real professional in.”

“But everything’s gone,” Arthur protested. “All the computers.”

“You used cloud-based storage,” Merlin pointed out. “There’ll be backups, the data you need is still going to be there. We can do this, I’m sure of it.”

“I’d like to see those two pieces of scum pay,” Morgana seethed. “Father trusted them. I wonder if they were ripping him off too.”

“Probably,” Arthur realised. “There’s a lot to do.” He sat up straighter, trying to ignore the pain as he did so. “When can we start? Could you get a laptop in here?”

Unfortunately for Arthur, the nurse chose that moment to reappear.

“Absolutely not,” she told them. “And you lads both need to get some rest. Merlin, you’re discharged, call someone to take you home.”

“I’ll give him a lift,” Morgana immediately offered. “Then I’m coming back.”

“You should go home too. Come back in the morning; your brother’s going to be fine.”

Morgana looked as if she might argue, but Arthur decided to spare the poor nurse that pleasure.

“Morgs, I’m okay. Really.”

“But… what if…”

“I won’t do it again, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he said quickly. He saw from the way she flinched that it was of course exactly her concern. “I promise. Look, there’s no reason now. We’re going to put this right, get Father’s company back on its feet and pull those two through the courts for what they’ve done.   We’ll win, and I want to be there for that. So don’t worry.”

“But Arthur…”

“No arguing with me, I’m in hospital,” Arthur pointed out quickly. “Be nice.”

She laughed at that despite herself, got up and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. “Fine. I’ll see you in the morning. Love you, little brother. And Arthur? Never, ever put me through this again. Because I swear I’ll kill you myself if you do!”

It probably wasn’t a completely idle threat.

“I promise,” he told her. She gave him a small, fond smile, then turned her attention to Merlin, chivvying him out of his chair and herding him out of the room. Arthur sat back, watching them.

It would be a long road back, both the healing and the rebuilding of his father’s company. But this time he’d have the right people at his side and they’d make it work.

In the doorway Merlin turned back just once and gave him that smile again.

Yes, they’d definitely make it work.

 

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [ART: Sink or Swim](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6156898) by [LFB72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFB72/pseuds/LFB72)




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